When you smoke a cigar. Smoke that cigar or put it away.
When you smoke a cigar. Smoke that cigar or put it away.
A lovely couple and an amazing location. Merged three polaroid 669 shots for a panorama.
I used to blog a lot and I feel like its kind of theraputic so here goes nothing.
Today has been a hard one. Downs and ups and ups and downs. So at this point of the day I had to go and put some good uplifting music on and look through photos of the kids so I wouldnt loose my mind.
So it started at 5am. Got up for once with my alarm and headed for the hills for a hike. Had a radio station on and there was a pastor talking about a bunch of stuff but what really stood out was this:
“Don’t give up what you know for what you don’t know.”
Now this phrase is surely something to brew on, let it sink in, let it grab parts of your life and thought process.
After I heard that, I couldn’t think about anything else and didn’t realize it’d come in really handy just hours later. I had a hard hike which ended with an amazing view of the sunrise, always worth it. So I get back home and start talking to Tess about this phrase and how I can see how relevant it is for both my personality and circumstances in our lives right now. I left a full time job about a year and a half ago with quite an amazing story behind it (which I will blog about, not sure why I havnt yet, probably because it seems too unbelievable). Anyways… its been a hard year and a half. Theres been multiple times where I’ve been on the verge of going back to a full time job (although Im not really qualified for any job that could raise a family). This feeling of uneasiness has been extra strong the last month because the fall and winter looks pretty dim regarding booked jobs… like… zero clients booked. Then a small financial disaster surfaced that had to do with a butt load of overdraft fees on our account which kind of put me and Tess over the edge. Yay for stressful situations in marriage! haha. Anyhow, when Im high Im really high and when Im low Im really low…. soo back to Do I get a job or do I not? Is this path Im on right now really something God laid out for me or am I crazy? Am I destined to fail at this? Yes, no, probably? Is it just one big learning experience that just took me 10 steps back in life? Maybe I should I just sell all my camera gear?
Those are hard questions to feel, especially for a husband and father. Even harder maybe for an artist to feel. Unfortunately (or fortunately) Im all of those people. So at this point Im in need of clinging to what truths I do know rather than the storms and valleys that I think I see ahead of me. Life can get hard and there will always be ‘resistance’ biting at your feet, especially if you’re an artist. (Read the War of Art)
There are a couple more things to this. First is while I was scrolling through photos of my kiddos I came across this one of Olive. That is happiness. That is joy. That is not caring about much of anything except how awesome life is. That is a look of knowing you are loved. There will be things that happen in her life that will try and make her question that. There will be times as she grows up where she’ll be confused and bombarded by worries of the future and who she is as a person, who she should be and why. She’ll be dissapointed. She’ll fail.
But no matter what happens or what she feels there will always be victory in the truth that she is loved. The trick is to make that such a strong foundation that it will never shake.
This is one of those times and days where Im grasping for that foundation. To know who I am and that I am loved… and in that find fullness of joy. God is bigger than my past and future so why do I let it scare me?
Last but not least… there were some years that I played the guitar and sang my heart out at little coffee shops. A long while ago. Recently I’ve been back at writing and specifically writing songs for my family… songs from my heart and hopefully full of wisdom. The other day I used the memo recorder on my iphone just to record a sketch of a song and sent it to a couple friends… huge for me cause Im so self conscious about this stuff. Turns out this bit of song came in handy today… without knowing it I wrote some things that are literally getting me through today with some hope. Take a listen if you’d like, theres only one verse and chorus at this point… oh and dont judge too harshly, yah?
“Lord, be good to me”
I met this guy Cameron while on tour in Texas with Loud Harp over a year ago… He was playing a violin with Aaron Strumpel, a violin that he made himself. He is a fellow craftsman and artist and recently got engaged to a lovely lady named Alex who is an artist and all around maker also. Well I had some time off and had a location in mind for shooting a couple so we made it happen… although we were pulling for an amazing sunset, it was heavily overcast. But still, was a fun time. Here are a few of my favorites.
I had a small booth set up with my woodworking items at a Spring Market in Denver recently and this sweetheart walked up to me and asked if I did maternity portraits. My instant reaction was that of hesitation because things can get cheesy really quick when it comes to these kinds of shoots. But Julie was so sweet about it that I just couldn’t say no. She said that she was familiar with my portrait work and that was all I really needed to hear, that gave me permission to be myself and shoot the way I see. That is the best thing for an artist to hear.
Jill Carter met up with Julie and helped set her up with wardrobe and a bit of make up. Julie was gorgeous and a joyful mom to be. I loved the shoot. Heres a few of my favorites.