it’s the first day of spring
and my life is starting over again
-Noah and the Whale-
I know its winter and snowy and not spring. But this leading song off the latest Noah and the Whale album sums my feelings right now as I’ve officially experienced ten years of my Twenties. This here December 29th (yesterday) is my last day before beginning another decade. It’s 5:26am and I’m waking up at starbucks with a computer screen thats a bit too bright for my fresh eyes. I’m writing this so I can automate a post on my b-day (Dec 30th) when I’ll be spending some time with the girl I love and some kiddos that have captured my heart while missing some people I wish were here.
I’ve always been really weird about my birthdays. To put it plainly I just don’t like the attention. Don’t plan a party for me, if we’re at a restaurant DO NOT tell the waiter its my bday, seriously, and don’t get me a gift unless you are family. Cause I’ll feel bad. I’ll feel like I owe you something. No need to spend money or thought or time on me, instead help someone who really needs something, and let me know that you did that instead. I’d love that. I’m not really sure where this all came from, how these feelings developed but this is the first time I’ve ever wondered why I feel this way. The attention thing? I’ve always blushed like crazy when eyes pointed at me, I was a shy little kid. Along with that there is almost a hint of denial on time passing, I don’t feel a hint over 18, there’s some running from the past, fear of the future deep inside of me, fear of myself, fear of fear. I realize that I never wanted to grow old. I don’t want my body to break down, I never wanted my family to split to different states. I’ve always wanted to re-live memories. I have so many great memories and it’s always been hard to look back and smile, more often then not I just get sad about those times, that they’re gone. Whats the point of it all? Right? If its just going to be over.
But WAIT! Don’t get too deep!! My 20’s are GONE!!! What!? The?! Hell!? It’s hard to believe. I feel like my 20’s were fairly aimless. I wandered through school, jumping from Business to Psychology to Fine Art to 3D Animation to Web Design to Film Production… with an end result being a grip of student loans and not a single degree because of my “Ohh! Thats shiny! Wait, no, now thats really shiny!” (Photography is the THING I’ve really been looking for, can’t believe I missed it till now) So all the while I worked at Starbucks, raced mountain bikes, dirt jumped and had some pretty bad concussions, visit my brother in Valencia and surf the pacific, I met an amazing girl who I will spend the rest of my life with. We had a few amazing kids. Olive. Boston. Sailor. They’re awesome, life changers. Lots to learn from them. Boom. 10 years.
And I sit here emotional for the first time about a birthday. This isn’t just any birthday though. I am at a crossroads. This past year has lead up to this. So much learning, so much refining by both water and fire. I’ve realized the power of God, of Love, of Humanity. I realize there is Hope when all is dark. Yeah, so cliche. But seriously. If we could talk face to face. I’d convince you it’s the truth. I’ll even cry a little.
A new dawn. A new day. The same sun but different clouds, different colors. For that I am grateful and hopeful. I’m inspired. I’m focused for the first time in my life. Yeah, I’ve got some hurdles to jump in the coming months but I can jump damn high with these new shoes. I’m a Renaud (pronounced RENO by the way). I don’t take NO for an answer and I forgot that. The Good Lord has more in store and I’m welcoming it with wide open tattooed arms. (uhhh…well if you feel compelled to get me something, you could hook me up with some cash for more time in the chair) Anyways….
Here are some important things I’ve learned in the last ten years in no special order (well, maybe more like within the last year or so, haha!)
- Take the quiet moments regularly. Force them at first because it will feel unnatural.
- When I’m scared I need to admit it.
- There is Truth.
- Listen and be patient.
- Everyone has their own # of years buried deep inside. Don’t judge them. You’re just judging yourself.
- I hide more than I flourish. That is ending.
- There are no rules.
- I am growing old but am still young.
- When I shave, I will shave with a straight razor.
- I don’t need a Faux Hawk anymore! Faux. ha.
- Photography is magic.
- This is all about people. This whole thing all comes down to relationships with each other and our Creator.
- Sometimes I’m ashamed to name Jesus as my Savior and King because of the crazies who wear a Christian badge. I’m not crazy.
- Most of the time I get too worried about offending people by being myself.
- I need to be set free every single day.
- We need to be ourselves because both me and you are worth it.
- LOVE. It breathes life. It is the wave that carries us through eternity.
- This is eternity.
Its my birthday. I’m 30 on the 30th. Golden birthday.
The photo that leads this post, just took it. This is how I’m kicking off my 30th year. Throw away false protection and run into the cold and unknown ready to fight and love and have so much freakin fun its gonna be ridiculous. Gonna go on and enjoy the rest of this fine winter day. Hope you’re doing well. Love this day.
Life is inspiring. We realize that more and more when we do the things that get our hearts beating. So do those things.