Tess is due with our forth today. Not sure if she’ll go into labor or not but nonetheless we are about to have another baby in the house making it 4 kids under 5 years old. We surely have a house full of love, joy and noise at this point and I think I just realized today how stressed I am about bringing another life into this world. One thing I’ve learned is that parenthood ain’t easy, at all. I’d say its one of the most wonderful things in the world but also one of the hardest things ever for sure. So much responsibility, it is at times overwhelming.
Children. When they are your own, they are a mirror. I’m beginning to see many of my own faults particularly in Olive and Boston as they grow older and more independent. It’s making me look at myself in a whole new way and searching for wisdom on how I live and how I effect my kids in ways that may not be apparent. If I react out of impatience, they react out of impatience. Its amazing, haha. They really do what you do, not what you say! Heard that a million times. So anyways… how in the world do I not taint these little souls?! And am I fit to be a dad, sometimes I don’t feel like it?!
Ive been struggling with these questions over the last couple weeks and hit a breaking point yesterday with the stress of work pounding away. About mid day I realized I needed to burn some energy and frustration. I needed to get somewhere quiet so I could actually hear my heart beat and listen for Gods point of view on this whole fatherhood thing.
5:00pm struck and I took to mountain biking a few miles into the foothills by myself. I knew I’d ride and ride and ride. No need to stop and rest till I’m at the end of the trail because I didn’t have too much time to mess with since I was out of cell phone range and Tess could go into labor:) All of a sudden though, I had a very distinct prompting to stop and turn around. I was only about half way to where I was planning on riding to so it seemed weird and I wanted to fight the urge and keep going, but I stopped and turned my bike around. Just sat there on my bike a bit confused looking out over the stretching valley as my mind imagined what this new little baby would look like, if it were a boy or girl, what my other kids are going to think and feel. Will they be jealous? Will they trust that me and mom have enough love to go around? Will I be able to provide for my family?
In an instant my heart felt heavy and I looked up to the overcast sky and noticed something beautiful. I caught some movement in the sky, higher then you’d normally see birds flying so my eyes took a second to focus but when they did I realized what I was watching…
Four hawks flying directly above me.
And not circling… they were flying together. Hawks don’t ever fly together.
I couldn’t help but tear up knowing this moment was supposed to happen. Four hawks. Four little Renaud’s. I watched the birds dip and turn with each other and I felt such a sense of peace and couldn’t help but laugh. God does have enough love. And so do we. I couldn’t wait to get home and hug my kids and kiss my wife.